Lately I've been wondering about the word "friend" lately. I once was told that the word "friend" is defined pretty loosely since different people have different ideas of what a "friend" actually means. Person A could meet Person B once at a party, and, all of a sudden, they're friends. I wouldn't call that a friendship. I suppose it could be an acquaintance, but definitely not a friend. Then again, I can't help but wonder about my specific definition of friend, especially since I've noticed how some friendships I have had have now changed.

There's one person that I was friends with beginning the in the 1st grade. We're still in contact, but I don't feel nearly as close to him as I did when we were younger. The thing is, I think he may act like we're still best friends (or maybe he doesn't, and he treats me like he treats his regular friends, see what I mean?). It's hard to explain, but the friendship has definitely gradually faded away. And I understand that this happens with human relationships. Someone comes into your life, they hang out for a while (could be long or short), and then they leave. Perhaps they move to a new city. Or maybe you two begin to hang out with different people. Maybe you just become so fed up with the other person, that you purposefully burn your bridge.

I guess I just don't like how friendships fade. I mean, I don't know when I'll be that close to another person again. Friendships take time & effort to build. Trust is key, and it takes time. I just can't consider someone I just met to be my "friend." I simply can't. And I hate how people I once considered to be my "friends" no longer fit my definition of a friend. At one point I would lie to myself, thinking "Oh, so-and-so is my friend." But, deep down, I knew that they weren't more than acquaintances.

There's another person who I tried to befriend because we had the same class, but the whole time I felt like I was trying to hard while she couldn't give a shit. I remember each day after class, we would walk. I just wanted someone to talk to, so I would walk out of my way just to try & prove to myself that I had a friend I could talk to. But the conversations always felt forced to me. I wasn't there because I wanted to talk with her. I was there because I wanted to (foolishly) convince myself that I had a good friend. I even went out of my way to help this person at least two times (that I could recall). Then came the time when she could have helped me, but instead she didn't. She would rather hang out with someone else, and leave me looking like an idiot in front of others. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that I couldn't believe this person didn't help me. I felt like such an idiot; i felt like such a fucking fool.

I've come to realize that I'd rather have no friends than hang around people who don't respect or really care for me. I think I've learned to let go of dying friendships as well as people that I tried to befriend but it ended up not working out. I still have my family & hobbies. And, fortunately, I have a handful of people I feel I can truly call my friends. Of course, I also have a larger social network of acquaintances as well.

Never again will lower myself to try and get someone's friendship. If we don't get along, then they can go fuck themselves. I realize that may sound harsh, but I'm still just pissed about a past experience. Never again will I wonder to myself "What if...." because the more I ponder about how I SHOULD HAVE acted or what I SHOULD HAVE said, the lower my self-esteem goes. I'm tired of thinking how I should act to get friends. I think I'm a good person, and if I just act like myself, then eventually I'll run into people who like me.

I'm done with trying to please others. This is my life. I wasn't put here so that I could make them happy. I'm not trying to imply that I'm more important than others, but I should be looking out for myself within reason (i.e. not to the point of being a dick, but I shouldn't be a doormat for others either).

So I give myself a fresh start. Beginning.....now.