Lately I've been wondering about the word "friend" lately. I once was told that the word "friend" is defined pretty loosely since different people have different ideas of what a "friend" actually means. Person A could meet Person B once at a party, and, all of a sudden, they're friends. I wouldn't call that a friendship. I suppose it could be an acquaintance, but definitely not a friend. Then again, I can't help but wonder about my specific definition of friend, especially since I've noticed how some friendships I have had have now changed.

There's one person that I was friends with beginning the in the 1st grade. We're still in contact, but I don't feel nearly as close to him as I did when we were younger. The thing is, I think he may act like we're still best friends (or maybe he doesn't, and he treats me like he treats his regular friends, see what I mean?). It's hard to explain, but the friendship has definitely gradually faded away. And I understand that this happens with human relationships. Someone comes into your life, they hang out for a while (could be long or short), and then they leave. Perhaps they move to a new city. Or maybe you two begin to hang out with different people. Maybe you just become so fed up with the other person, that you purposefully burn your bridge.

I guess I just don't like how friendships fade. I mean, I don't know when I'll be that close to another person again. Friendships take time & effort to build. Trust is key, and it takes time. I just can't consider someone I just met to be my "friend." I simply can't. And I hate how people I once considered to be my "friends" no longer fit my definition of a friend. At one point I would lie to myself, thinking "Oh, so-and-so is my friend." But, deep down, I knew that they weren't more than acquaintances.

There's another person who I tried to befriend because we had the same class, but the whole time I felt like I was trying to hard while she couldn't give a shit. I remember each day after class, we would walk. I just wanted someone to talk to, so I would walk out of my way just to try & prove to myself that I had a friend I could talk to. But the conversations always felt forced to me. I wasn't there because I wanted to talk with her. I was there because I wanted to (foolishly) convince myself that I had a good friend. I even went out of my way to help this person at least two times (that I could recall). Then came the time when she could have helped me, but instead she didn't. She would rather hang out with someone else, and leave me looking like an idiot in front of others. I won't go into the details, but suffice it to say that I couldn't believe this person didn't help me. I felt like such an idiot; i felt like such a fucking fool.

I've come to realize that I'd rather have no friends than hang around people who don't respect or really care for me. I think I've learned to let go of dying friendships as well as people that I tried to befriend but it ended up not working out. I still have my family & hobbies. And, fortunately, I have a handful of people I feel I can truly call my friends. Of course, I also have a larger social network of acquaintances as well.

Never again will lower myself to try and get someone's friendship. If we don't get along, then they can go fuck themselves. I realize that may sound harsh, but I'm still just pissed about a past experience. Never again will I wonder to myself "What if...." because the more I ponder about how I SHOULD HAVE acted or what I SHOULD HAVE said, the lower my self-esteem goes. I'm tired of thinking how I should act to get friends. I think I'm a good person, and if I just act like myself, then eventually I'll run into people who like me.

I'm done with trying to please others. This is my life. I wasn't put here so that I could make them happy. I'm not trying to imply that I'm more important than others, but I should be looking out for myself within reason (i.e. not to the point of being a dick, but I shouldn't be a doormat for others either).

So I give myself a fresh start. Beginning.....now.

Musings on illegal immigration

I've been thinking about illegal immigration quite a bit lately. It seems as if some people feel really passionate about this issue. I don't share their enthusiasm, and I'm not 100% why exactly. Illegal immigrants have not hurt me in any obvious way as far as I can see. On the few occasions that I've interacted with people I assume could be illegal, their attitudes towards me have ranged from seemingly indifferent to friendly.

Some people complain about illegals taking jobs from Americans. I suppose this is true, however (and I think this is probably a common argument from proponents of immigration), most illegals probably hold the shittiest jobs there are. Perhaps this will sound racist and/or prejudice, but when I think of illegals, I immediately think of people who clean toilets and mow lawns. Granted, not all of the people who hold these jobs are illegal, but I think it's reasonable to assume that a fair number of them are here illegally.

I'm sitting here wondering why people would go to such lengths to work shitty jobs in America. My initial thought is that they're here to provide for their families (who are presumably still in whatever country they came from). Perhaps some are also here to advance their own lives. Perhaps there are other reasons, but I think it's safe to say that most of the time, economics are at least partly why illegals are here. I highly doubt they're here for the "honor" or "prestige" their positions "command." I don't think anyone grows up thinking "One day, I'm gonna clean up public restrooms!"

If anything, I think it's at least somewhat admirable. If you're willing to risk arrest, deportation, or whatever other punishment that can be imposed on illegals, in order to build a better life for yourself or those you care about, you have my approval.

With regards to the shitty jobs these people "take away" from Americans, these people (illegals) probably may need these jobs more than Americans do. Until the shit really hits the fan and Americans are willing to clean toilets & pick strawberries, I don't think the argument "They took our jobs!" is particularly strong.

Now, one facet of the immigration issue that I'm still largely undecided on is the who notion of integration. Some immigrants form communities where their traditions & languages are not only upheld, but it's as if these people never left their home country. They speak their language (in most cases, Spanish), eat traditional foods, hold traditional celebrations, etc. I don't have a problem with people celebrating their heritage, but it can get in the way of integration.

The reason I can sit here and write reasonably well in English is because immigrants like my mom, aunt, and grandma integrated. I asked my mom about how they went about doing this. The story goes something like this: My grandma really wanted her daughters to learn English, so she avoided placing them in hispanic neighborhoods in LA where they would be surrounded by more Spanish. Instead, she moved them to a primarily white neighborhood, sent them to white schools, etc.

Now, I feel like maybe some will see that last sentence as racist. I don't mean to say something like "Avoid hispanics! They're trouble! Live with whites, and you'll be fine!" I'm just saying my family made an active effort to integrate into American society. They did not just take refuge in a place where everyone spoke Spanish. My mom has told me about how she would us an English-Spanish dictionary just to read for her classes. Can you imagine how painstakingly slow that would be? Using a dictionary to read every last fucking word? Suffice it to say that now I feel lazy whenever I don't do any reading assignments.

Perhaps if more illegals made an effort to integrate, there would be less Americans who have a problem with them. Although now I wonder: Why don't some illegals make more of an effort?

Anyways, it's 3:00 am, and I think this blog post has served it's purpose, which is two-fold:

1) Let me get out my thoughts regarding illegal immigration in America

2) Tire me out so that I can go back to sleep.

thoughts anyone?

--Jonathan

A new day & a new life

I've spent so much time making great plans for my life. If only I had taken the time to take action. That's one of my biggest problems...I can make plans, but I never really do anything else. I end up disappointing myself (and probably others as well). And if I do begin to actually execute my plan, I immediately begin to second-guess myself, and I begin to plan again. It's a bad habit I really need to break.

I'm going to make one more plan, and then just take action. I understand that I'll mistakes along the way, so I'll need to adjust a few things. But that's perfectly fine. In fact, it would be stubborn of me not to change when change is needed. Anyways, I'll share part of my plan:

1) Get in shape: I've already been doing this for a few months now. I've been eating more fruits & vegetables. Plus, I swam at the ARC four days out of the week back during fall quarter. The pool there is closed, so until it reopens, I'm going to just use machines & free weights.

2) Learn piano: I got a keyboard for Christmas. I intend to practice for at least 20-30 minutes each day.

3) Read: I have a few books laying around that I've never read. How stupid is that? I buy books, but then never read them (and no, these aren't textbooks). I'm just going to read them. Even if I realize halfway through the book that I can't stand the story, I'll finish it. Perhaps every time I finish a book, I'll include a note in the next post.

Well, here's to my late New Year's resolution & to a great 2010.

--Jonathan

Seeing Sarah Palin on SNL was amazing. I especially liked Alec Baldwin's part in the skit. Other than that, I don't have much to say right now. I'll be updating this on a regular basis.